Killing time with an ice pick....

So ever since I turned...19 I think is the magic number, I haven't really felt like myself...like a huge dork I was,that didn't fit in so much that I DID fit in. Its been getting worse over the years leading up to a huge depressed mass that doesn't know what to do with herself or get herself feeling better about life. Its been really hard to try and be happy and that's so bad to say because I have an amazing life with an amazing husband, but I just didn't feel that great. Yes I have dealt with depression a lot in my life and for a few years I use to take drugs (the ones the doctor gave to me) to make me feel normal, but I have stopped taking said drugs because I felt that I should be able to control my emotions myself. I write about all of this because I think I found what changed in my life and made me this way. I some how got the idea in my mind that I need to grow up and act like an adult and leave everything that made me me and made me happy behind. I was thinking tonight that I really don't need to do that, I am who I am. I'm a woman that will never really grow up. That's just the way I am and if I try to change that I will send myself into more depression and that's no good. You cant fight your inner you, I will still do the grown up things in life, because its expected of me and its the right thing to do, but I wont kill that inner child of mine, that's the thing that really gets me going in life, that and my husband. I am a child in a woman's body...OK that sounds a little creepy....